Nat's Life

Just To Prove A Point

2007-11-12T09:04:00.000-08:00

As promised, a comment with a request for an update has led to an update. My being coaxed into a relationship didn't last long. I am back to my ordinary single self, having the time of my life again. Well, not really, as I still don't have the time for it, but the time I do have for having the time of my life I use to have the time of my life.

Congratulations if you managed to make sense of that last sentence. I wrote a new song last night (about time) so new lyrics should be appearing on the lyrics blog sometime soon. I'm moving in 3 weeks which is stressing me out. I'm behind on my course. I nearly quit my course but now I'm really enjoying the time in school. I think it'll be fine once I actually start teaching.

I'm going to leave it at that for now as I need to get an insurance quote for a car I'm about to see with a view to purchase.

What's New Pussycat?

2007-10-21T13:25:00.000-07:00

Hello to all my people. I realise the few people who did stop by here occasionally have probably given up on me ever posting again so there's a strong chance that no one will actually read this.

Anyway, I felt inclined to update on what's been going on since February. Academically, I finished my degree and got a 2:1. Wooo!! I'm now doing my PGCE (finally) which is a one-year teacher training course. It's very hard and I have no free time. Well, actually that's a lie. I should have no free time but I have been sacrificing staying on top of all the work I have to do in order to remain sane and see my friends.

Romantically, I decided I was going to avoid relationships and the like and was quite good at that, but after being persistently pursued for a month I gave in to one Dan T. (If anyone from school is reading this, it's not the same person you know). That lasted about 4 months I think and was quite nice but then I reverted to my normal can't-handle-a-real-relationship self. After that I decided I was really going to stay single and was successful for quite a while again, but after being pursued by Kenny for 2 months I gave in and am now officially in a relationship once more.

Accommodationistically (yes I know that's a made up word), I moved into my new student digs for the year at the beginning of September. They were so awesome and amazing! I loved the beautiful house and thought that it was well worth paying a bit extra for the luxury. My new housemates moved in a couple of weeks later and I changed my mind. I won't go into details here but the bottom line is I'm moving out at the beginning of December into a house with adults. Can't wait. And it's a lot cheaper.

So that's about it for now. If you ever fancy another update, just post a comment and I'll see what I can do. :D

Bloody British

2007-02-08T11:43:00.000-08:00

I know I'm technically British but I'm in the mood for ranting about this particular nationality. The British. They pride themselves on being "better" than everyone else. They don't know the difference between Sweden and Switzerland. Grrrrrrr. I am not f-ing Swedish!!!!!!!!

Also, yes it has snowed. Well done. It doesn't only snow over here you know. It snows in other countries as well and they manage just fine.

What I would really like to say to the majority of British people is "Get over it! It's not all about you, you self-centred tw*ts!" (up to you which vowel to substitute in there).

Death a la Pratchett

2007-02-06T13:29:00.000-08:00

It is widely known on the Discworld that what happens when you die is based on what you believe. So, if you believe that everyone but virgins will go to hell, then you're quite likely to end up in hell (unless you're a virgin, of course). However, there are lots of different beliefs about the afterlife. Some involve reincarnation and others vary on the theme of judgement and heavens and hells.

However, for those scientists among us, the "soul" ceases to exist when the body ceases to function. Many people are scared by the thought of heading into oblivion but I have developped new thoughts on this matter. As the soul will cease to exist, it's not really like we'll be there to notice all the oblivion around us.

Murphy's Snow

2007-01-24T18:10:00.000-08:00

Hey guys,

I have returned after my amazing ordeal. Ok, you probably won't think it's all that much but this is my tale. I went to Switzerland to partake in 2 weeks of hardcore snowboarding. It was going to be sooo much fun. When I got there, I found my ride up to the mountains was delayed by a few days. I wasn't too bothered because it was only a few days and I was bound to get in lots of snowboarding anyway.

Boy was I wrong. There was barely any snow. I spent 1 day snowboarding in a big cloud where I couldn't see anything and 3 days hopping over grass spots. Then there were barely any lifts open cos there wasn't enough snow so my "hardcore snowboarding" was over. I was sorely disappointed. I had about 5 days left until I was to return to England and it didn't look like snow was on the horizon.

So, we decided a trip to Eurodisney was in order. Mum and I used to go when I was younger and we had a cool road trip singing along to Take That. The park itself was really cool and I had a photo taken with Jack Sparrow!!! We'd planned to drive back down to Geneva from Paris on Tuesday night so I'd have a day to pack before my flight. Any of you who have seen the news in France will now understand the title of this post.

It snowed. Lots. We didn't know this. We're casually driving down the A6 where it was getting less and less crowded and a bit chilly. Then we saw a patch of snow on the side of the road. Next thing we know, the motorway is covered by it and there's hundreds of lorries pulled up covering 2 lanes! Driving past them was really surreal. The conditions steadily got worse as the sun set until the motorway was closed. We had to find a hotel somewhere in the middle of France where hundreds of motorists had been forced to stop.

We were quite fortunate and managed to find somewhere. We had a delicious Boeuf Bourguignon for dinner although the wine was a bit unusual. Today, we navigated our way down along snow-covered country roads because the motorway was still shut. It was a real adventure. Anyway, now I truly understand the meaning of the word 'irony'.

Brainstorm

2006-12-04T13:36:00.000-08:00

Here's my newest song:

http://natslyrics.blogspot.com/

People Smell

2006-10-17T16:23:00.000-07:00

Boys smell. They think it's cool to wait at least 3 days before replying to text messages. Boys also think that it's acceptable to get a girl drunk so that she will do naughty things with them. However, girls do this too.

Girls also get themselves really drunk so that they can put up with doing naughty things they don't necessarily want to when they're sober. Girls pretend to like things they don't really so that people will have a better opinion of them. However, boys do this too.

People are hypocrits. They moan about everything that annoys them about everyone else when they're sitting by themselves, but when their friends come along, they go and do the exact things that they were moaning about without a second thought (I'm not excluding myself from this).

Good Morning...

2006-10-09T21:19:00.000-07:00

...and welcome to new Nat. All new Nat has increased life expectancy, job status, and intelligence. She doesn't drink but she still knows how to have a good time (not in a sleazy way). She's been back at university for over a month now and has only just managed to squeeze her way out of all the different societies so she actually has time to dedicate to her degree.

However, Nat has just gained access to the internet and has rejoined that generation of time-wasters. She vows to only turn her laptop on for email access. MSN must be banned from now on.

She is still single but not altogether unhappy. To be honest, we know she's rubbish at relationships anyway, and she doesn't really have the time for one what with all the time to be consumed by the third and final year of her Mathematical Sciences degree.

I think from this we can assume that Nat has gone ever so slightly insane and that she needs to stop talking about herself in the third person.

Le Livre du Hanjie

2006-08-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

Everything is good. Everything is great. I've got a new post in the works of fiction blog (http://natscreativestuff.blogspot.com/) and a couple of new songs under the lyrics blog (http://natslyrics.blogspot.com/). Nothing much to say apart from that.

I'm single again but happy. I keep thinking of babies but it doesn't matter. I'm back in Geneva enjoying the life where I don't have to do anything but eat and sleep. I occasionally go out to visit my friends but I've been in with my family recently. My sisters are over and my cousin was here too.

I've finished the cd which I suppose people can request. I'm charging £3 or CHF 7 or 5 euros for it. Myspace is finished and can be viewed at www.myspace.com/nataliejaynemusic.

I actually passed my resit even though I was certain I had failed it so I'm all set to finish my degree in the predicted three years. The first two years went by so quickly. It's hard to believe there's only one year left. That's why I'm sticking around at Oxford Brookes to study my PGCE. I really really love it in Oxford. I love the uni and the student's union and my job.

I'm just happy. :D

The vanquishing of the demon of silence

2006-06-20T09:54:00.000-07:00

I'm finally back! I have to apologise to my numerous fans about the lack of posts recently. I have no excuse. Now an update on what's been happening. Ok since the last time I posted I've broken up with two boyfriends. The first one was rubbish because after practically begging me to go out with him, once I'd accepted he stopped paying any attention to me. Granted coursework was due and we had exams coming up but it just seemed like he didn't care. Anyway, that's over.

The second one was more my fault. We kind of got together not long before I left for Switzerland, and I shouldn't have let it happen because I know I'm rubbish at fidelity over long distances. Especially over any amount of time.

I've decided I'm going to stay single at least till I get back to uni after my winter holidays so that makes it the end of next January. And by then I might not even fancy being with anyone.

I failed one of my modules at uni and I'm resitting the exam for another one. Funnily enough the exam I'm resitting is for the module I had to retake this year because I failed it in my first year. Anyway, if I pass after the resit then I'm back on track even though I'll have to work pretty hard to get that first I was aiming for. If I fail it again, then I'm going to have to extend my degree by half a semester, which means I have to wait until September 2008 to start my PGCE, prolonging my life plans by yet another year. *sigh*

The last section of my life is about my decision to finally do something about the amount of weight I've put on at uni. I'm eating more carefully and doing lots of exercise. I'm aiming to look about the same as I did when I was 19. My unrealistic goal is to look like I did when I was 16 but I don't think that's ever going to happen.

Anyway that's about it. I'll try and post a bit more frequently. In the meantime there's another post on my Song Lyrics blog. Peace.

I Need The Crazy!! (It Keeps Me Sane.)

2006-05-07T19:52:00.000-07:00

This has been my motto for the past week. I haven't been able to access the internet for over a week now. I finally have some spare time on my hands. First there were all my 21st birthday celebrations, and then there were revision sessions mixed in with work and rehearsals then the actual performances.

For the past 4 nights, I have been appearing on stage as a cancan girl for a french comedy (translated into English). It's been a really cool experience. It reminded me of how much I hated hanging out in the girls dressing room, with all the drama queens, and my legs caned after every performance, but it was definitely worth it just as a way to keep myself busy and as a way to get to know people.

I think I'm back to myself as well. I feel like I've been being someone else for the past two years, and now that I've finally been back on stage, my crazy is back. It's part of who I am and there's no point in denying that. It's part of my "addictive personality". That part that makes people stop and think that maybe I'm not just like everyone else they know.

And they're right. I am an individual. I have many things which make me special. This is how I should be feeling. The rest of the cast had me pinned down as an extra just because I didn't get a speaking part. I don't feel too bitter about that. I recognise that the director made some bad casting mistakes which is why the play sagged in places due to the weak acting of some of the lead roles.

There were times when they really treated me as if I didn't know how to act when they have no idea of my potential. Well, I showed them hahaha. The last night left them all in shock. They had no idea who I was and they couldn't have cared less. But when my true colours started shining through, they stopped to look twice.

Now who's smiling, bitches?

Just Like Being at school

2006-04-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

For reasons not to be disclosed on the internet, I have been feeling depressed and paranoid. It sucks. There's a new song been posted now. For more information about me (if anyone cares) leave comments with requests, email me, call me, whatever, just a sign that someone out there does care.

Unwanted

2006-04-12T23:10:00.000-07:00

Ok seriously, I wasn't going to post both of the new song lyrics together because I wanted to give people the chance to read one before I posted the other one. So, I was waiting for a comment before I posted the next one. In three days there have been no comments. I know people read this. Some feedback would be appreciated or I'm withholding lyrics. :P

-edit: Oh and by the way I will be in London from tomorrow and won't have internet till Monday me thinks so that's your deadline to leave a comment by.

Forthcoming Updates

2006-04-09T22:11:00.000-07:00

Ok well this is what's happening with me: Mr. Man is no longer an issue with the appearance of the new man. Everything seems to be going just fine and peachy and you will have more information about this with the arrival of my msn space.

No need to worry about trying to find a title for any songs as I've got it all sorted so there's two updates coming to my Song Lyrics blog which can be found through my profile.

On The Mend

2006-04-01T17:51:00.000-08:00

Ok well things don't look so bad as they did before. Still craving for attention from Mr. Man but I'll still get to see him and show him what he's missing. :D Anywho, there's another new song been written but I don't want to put it on the Song Lyrics blog till the previous one's up in order to preserve chronologicality (if that's even a real word).

So please help me find a name for it!!!

It's Possible to Die of a Broken Heart

2006-03-30T20:15:00.000-08:00

Ok I know I'm exaggerating a lot. A lot of things have happened to me in the space of a week. I thought that I'd met the perfect guy and really opened up to him only to have him break off any possibility of a future after we'd slept together. He was amazing. I haven't really allowed myself to feel properly in a while which is why it hurt. I'm not going to die of the pain. I'm already feeling better. I just think that if it had gone on any longer I would have been in a serious amount of pain.

I now have a new attitude to men (or women actually). I'm not going to sleep with anyone unless I'm positive that there's a future and not before going out with them for awhile. I really want to be careful in order to avoid getting hurt. It was amazing sex though. :D

On another note, I wrote another song 4 days after the last one. The only reason I haven't posted it on the Song Lyrics blog is because it doesn't have a title yet. It's a song which questions my ability to turn my life around and also it has a good bitch at my ex-boyfriend. Ideas are always welcome.

Newness

2006-03-09T23:48:00.000-08:00

Well I just thought I'd do a random update as I have a new song added to the collection. I played at this pub on Wednesday night and it was cool. One of the guys who played was absolutely awesome. I am so in love with his sound. I bought his cd. As I was chilling listening to it earlier I became suddenly inspired to write something.

This something - http://natslyrics.blogspot.com/ - will probably be played next monday at the regular acoustic night I go to and hopefully it will eventually be recorded.

Still single and still happily enjoying it. I don't hate men so much at the moment; I just feel sorry for them.

Scattered

2006-03-01T01:03:00.000-08:00

This is how my thoughts are at the moment. It's shit. I am so angry right now. I'm angry at this dude for not getting the point when I told him I wasn't interested. I'll have to tell him I'm gay. I might as well from now on anyway as I am SO SICK OF MEN! They're just not worth the effort. Phyllis you know what I'm talkin' about.

I'm also pissed off at the safety bus for being shit and at the exec for making me feel like I'm not worth a whole lot. And as for being pissed off at people for making me feel worthless, how's about my housemates? I really don't think they wanted to live with me, they were just filling a space in their house.

I tried to get us to do stuff together but they just don't want to. Well I don't fucking care now. It's Nick's birthday and there's people in my house. It's one o'clock in the morning and I want to go to bed cos I have to be at uni really early. I'll need to get up around 6. So not even 5 hours sleep. SHUT THE FUCK UP!

See, men just make me feel angry and angsty. I don't even know why. I'm just going to stay away from the whole lot of them from now on. Maybe I'll become a nun. Hey at least it won't matter if I decide to live with a family next year cos I won't be bringing anyone home with me.

Fuck.

Unpretty

2006-02-25T23:10:00.000-08:00

I have never considered myself unpretty. I have never considered myself pretty either. I just hadn't thought about it. Friday night changed things. It was Ant's birthday. He was going out with his friends. I was going to go until we had that huge argument. I decided to go out clubbing anyway. I thought (for God knows what reason) that I would make myself feel good by dressing the same as every other cheap slut on campus. I straightened my hair, wore my contact lenses, wore a tiny skirt with knee-high leather boots, and a strappy top with no bra.

I now understand the motivation these girls have to dress this way. You get noticed in a whole new way. People were a lot more chivalrous. I got served quicker at the bar and even got discounts without asking for them. So many guys started talking to me. I'm used to being the pretty one's friend who doesn't get noticed. So am I pretty?

I don't know and it's not for me to say. As I had said before, I hadn't put that much thought into whether or not I was seen as pretty because I really didn't think it mattered. However, I think it makes a huge difference. If I want to be treated the same as all those other girls all the time I would have to spend hours every day working on my appearance.

Some of the girls at my school would spend that time and I suppose some at uni do. It just seems all so fake. I used to pride myself on my lack of need for personal pampering. I thought the natural look was considered attractive to people with brains. Ok I'm not a hairy gorilla woman; I do preen some, just not excessively.

So my question now is will I think I'm ugly because I don't get the same attention I did on Friday night? My whole view on this matter has been turned upside down. I don't know which side to take. Perhaps some sort of middle ground preening would be appropriate.

Ex-boyfriends

2006-02-14T16:19:00.000-08:00

I have learnt my lesson. I really have. I'm not getting into another relationship unless I am actually positive that I really really care about them and that it's going to last. I am not risking another disaster. I don't know how but I am a heartbreaker. I do have feelings (contrary to what most people say about me). They're just all over the place and I don't understand them. Maybe I'm destined to stay single for the rest of my life. Well as Dan Shive said, "Being single isn't necessarily being alone."

Melancholy (yet again)

2006-02-13T10:21:00.000-08:00

I am in the weirdest mood. I feel regret at not having followed so many things through. Hmm, probably still hungover from Saturday night.

My future

2006-01-26T05:51:00.000-08:00

I wonder what my future holds for me. The way I'm going I'm going to still be partying and sleeping around untill I die. My friends at school said I was going to be a MILF. It seems like I can't commit to the people I care about and they move on to better things. I like to think that I taught them about relationships as I have done in many cases.

I'm a bit of a nympho and need appreciation to feel special and important to the world. That's part of the reason I'm doing so many things this year. I'm hoping that the people in the different areas I will be working in will all appreciate me. I'm travelling around the UK to visit different people who all appreciated me at some time or other. Then maybe I will feel able to settle down.

Fine Then

2006-01-25T09:41:00.000-08:00

Well, as no one was bothered to comment on my previous suggestion, I think I may just not bother with this internet blog thing and go back to writing in my diary.

How life is treating me

2006-01-22T14:39:00.000-08:00

Wonderfully. I am single and happy to be so. I hope I stay this way for a while now. I just need some me time. I don't really have anything else to say. I'm thinking of starting a new blog which is basically going to be an expansion of "Nat's book of love". This is the list of all my boyfriends, dates, lovers and random kisses I've ever had. Comments about this idea are all welcome.

Luv Nat

Menthol Clarity (with new and improved flavour)

2006-01-02T08:40:00.000-08:00

I've been away on holiday and it seems like the distance from everything has allowed me to get a better perspective on things. I'm not in love with who I thought I was in love with. I thought it would actually be a bit more complicated than that to explain because it feels as if some spell has been broken. I'll reassure St. Jimmy now that my feelings towards him are unchanged.

I've realised that although I have this ultimate aim of happiness and whatnot, I can't force it. I must just let things happen and take things as they come. I hope to look forward to spontaneity in love from now on.

Peace to all.

Life

2005-12-06T09:48:00.000-08:00

Currently listening to: Blumchen - Ich bin wieder bier

I have no idea what that means or where I have it from. Oh well. I've just finished a new song, the lyrics of which will be available on my lyrics blog soon. I am extremely busy with my life at the moment. I've written a list of things I need to do over the next two weeks including meetings I need to go to and it fills a whole A4 page. It was a bit daunting before I had it all written down but I think I can get round everything. So, here follows a list of things I've made commitments to for next semester.

Currently listening to: Slipknot - The Shape

I already am:
a full-time student
with a part-time job
in a band
student guider and mentor
student representative for my field
school representative on the union council
social secretary on the commitee for the french society
on the disciplinary panel
on the stakeholder's board for the brookesbus.

Next semester I will also:
have a second part-time job as a student ambassador
be in a play
participate in rock society events.

Wish me luck!

Currently listening to: Gomez - Whippin' Piccadilly

Dickheads

2005-11-17T20:58:00.000-08:00

Currently listening to: Dimmu Borgir - Cataclysm Children

Ok, firstly I want to say that I am actually in a really really happy mood at the moment. My life is a mess, and so stressful but I am in such a great place, it's amazing. Well, at times anyway. I have other moments but they are fewer and farther inbetween. Sometimes I feel like I'm floating on a cloud or in a special magic room with no gravity in a perpetual hug.

Currently listening to: ACDC - Highway to Hell

Now I wish to make an official complaint about dickheads. You know those guys who think that they're so clever, like teenagers. They think they're the first people to do whatever it is that they do. Hello? People been around for a few million years (if I'm not mistaken, but knowing my knowledge of history I probably am but I do know that we've had people for a bloody long time) so someone somewhere is likely to have experienced whatever you have.

Currently listening to: Pink Floyd - Any Colour You Like

That actually brings me to the reason I get so down sometimes. Nothing I do is "new". There's nothing about me which hasn't been done before. We're all humans and we're all experiencing the same bullshit. Nowadays it's cool to be original, but who is? I'm no different from anyone else. Any view I take on anything, someone has taken that view before. I'm just a tiny speck in a huge universe and it seems like nothing I do will make me any more special. I won't accomplish anything with my life unless I discover some maths thing or become a famous musician and even then is that big enough to satisfy my desire to live on after I'm gone?

Currently listening to: Robert Miles - One And One

Dickheads obviously never feel this way. I suppose in a way it would be good to be a dickhead, because your ego would scare any doubts you might have. Maybe I should just look at them as optimistic people and stop being jealous of their confidence. I'll give it a go and get back to you on how that pans out.

Currently listening to: Muse - Sober

Yawn

2005-11-01T19:04:00.000-08:00

Currently listening to: Pink Floyd - Any Colour You Like

I am soooooo tired. I figured it's been longer than usual since I've posted anything on here so while I've got something mildly interesting and not emo to whine about I may as well go ahead. Too many sleepless nights have I had. Need Dr. Pepper.

Currently listening to: The Clash - Rudie Can't Fail

Anyway, I was saying that I am unbelievably tired. That's actually about all there is to it. Bum bum bum. Right I think I'm going to bed. Nighty night.

Currently listening to: System of a Down - Forest

Life

2005-10-23T17:59:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: Nickelback - Someday

Things will work out. Things come together and they fall apart but we are what's left in the end. I guess that's what's most important. We can live through it all if we really want to and when the storm is gone, we'll be left standing, stronger and taller than before. This may sound like complete bullshit to some people but I think I'm starting to grasp an understanding of Life or maybe I'm just imagining the fact that I'm growing up.

Currently listening to: Beethoven - Sonata #14 in C Sharp Minor, Op. 27/2, "Moonlight" - 3. Presto

I always get this really optimistic feeling about life when I start to take care of myself and do the things I really don't want to. I have to do these chores and I really hate to but doing them leaves me with a feeling of satisfaction. That's all I've been doing all day (because it's Sunday) and I've still got a bunch left to do. It feels like I'll never get through it all because any time I make any head way in the pile of things on my desk, it keeps getting replaced with new things to do.

Currently listening to: Age Before Beauty - War Zone

There's one more thing I want to get off my chest, because it's been bothering me. It's to do with a certain person who was a friend of mine, and every time I receive an email from that person I get all angry cos of what happened, even though nothing really happened and I'm really just overreacting. Basically, this girl was one of my best friends at school. We left to go to different universities. She got a boyfriend who she's crazily obsessed about. Over the summer I didn't see her at all, cos she ditched me and her other friends to be with her boyfriend. I'm really really hurt by this.

Currently listening to: Sequential feat. Kleph - Choco Loco

So that's what's going on with me at the moment. Hmm. I feel a lot better after getting that off my chest. And oh bugger my rainbow peace flag's fallen off my wall again. I swear I've tried everything to get that thing to stay up there. :( Any ideas?

Currently listening to: Brooklyn Bounce - Get Ready To Bounce

Idealism

2005-10-17T19:28:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: Green Day - Homecoming / The Death Of St. Jimmy / East 12th St. / Nobody Likes You / Rock And Roll Girlfriend / We're Coming Home Again

Before I came to university, I had this fantasy about meeting this guy. It goes like this: I meet this cute musician guy with curly hair. At first we don't particularly like each other but we soon begin to realise that we have plenty of things in common and fall in love. Then ensues the path towards the most perfect ideal relationship, including marriage and money before babies and so on and so forth.

Currently listening to: Music from The Motion Picture Titanic - An Ocean Of Memories

To be honest I didn't really think that it would happen. It was my idealistic dream. However, if that can happen, then maybe my other dream about becoming a famous musician can happen too. I don't think that we should give up on our dreams just because they seem farfetched and unlikely to happen. I think it is hanging on to the hope of them happening that gives them a higher probability of coming true.

Currently listening to: Skunk Anansie - Brazen (Weep)

Paranoia

2005-10-13T00:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't felt this way in a long time. This is the feeling you get when you suddenly realise that you might be wrong about the way someone feels about you. I don't mean when you're unsure, because a lot of the time you're unsure about how people feel about you, but about when you were sure and you suddenly think that you could be wrong. The creeping paranoia that settles in and feeds on your fears.

I have felt this way tonight and it weighs heavily on my heart. However, it is also bizarrely reassuring, like an old friend. I used to be really paranoid. I thought that the whole of my school year hated me, so feeling like this again brings a slight nostlagic air with it.

What Should A Blog Be Anyway?

2005-10-08T16:03:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: No Doubt - Hey You

I've recently started writing a few posts for this blog and every time I've stopped for fear of what people would have to say about it. I've been told that it seems whiney and emo. All I'm doing is voicing my innermost thoughts (or so I think). Isn't that what it's for?

Currently listening to: The Corrs - Intimacy

I also want to take the time here to express my extreme distaste of pretentious babble. I really really really hate people who pretend to know everything just so they have something to say. Look, guys, you know who you are, if you want to say something, don't just pretend you have a high knowledge of music and insult my singing. There are other ways of saying something for the sake of having something to say. These include "Hi." "How are you?" "Nice place." Ok so you don't mean it. So what? Rather that than to say something not nice that you don't mean. See that, my friends, is how you lose friends. Get it? :D

Currently listening to: Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - The Waiting

There's this whole thing called tact. In my opinion, which I am perfectly allowed to express here because it's MY blog, friends shouldn't insult each other all day long. I believe the occasional tease can be healthy. You'll find that if I insult someone, I tend to mean it.

Currently listening to: Ocean Colour Scene - Better Day

Not Emo

2005-10-02T15:41:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - Free Fallin'

At the beginning of September, I spent two weeks living with my father in Wales. He is pretty much exactly like me, so an argumentative, arrogant, bad loser. He has broadband but refused to let me use it. When I got to Oxford (a Thursday) we were going to get our internet set up on the Saturday. Here I am two weeks later, clocking up about 6 hours internet time by 3.30pm because I've only just connected. I've been told I was suffering from withdrawal symptoms. It feels like I've just peed after holding back for two days.

Currently listening to: Limp Bizkit - Hold On

Living in this house with Nick and Demos is really cool. We're all quite clean and tidy and we get along really well. I chose not to move in with close friends because I was concerned about what it would do to our friendship. I am also not moving in with complete strangers like last year because to be honest that was quite a disaster. We have a living room with a settee which is heavenly. We have an amazing shower other than it's been dismantled because it was leaking. When we fix everything up, it's going to be like a proper house.

I haven't written any new songs recently. I've been feeling a bit confused about a lot of things, including my image. Basically I realise that I've been sounding quite emo and depressive and I'm not proud of it. I think that if I write more positive upbeat things I can persuade myself that everything will be alright.

Currently listening to: Nickelback - Someday

Last week was the first week of lectures. It was pretty cool. Some of my modules seem promising while others appear to be there solely to melt my brain to the extent where it pours out of my ears. Learning matrix multiplication for the third time in my life has got to make me stronger if it doesn't kill me. I guess there is one advantage being that getting good grades in that module is going to be pie.

I think this post has helped me. I've purposefully tried to keep it away from such subjects as my feelings or relationships. That way I manage to keep my cool sardonic approach to the things in my life. I was told that I'm good at that. T'would be nice to have confirmation from someone who isn't one of my 'friends'.

Currently listening to: Lighthouse Family - Restless

Btw my mp3 player is absolutely awesome. It has a big fat random button on it which automatically plays every single track on the player at random. The variety I get is astonishing. I love it sooooooo much. That's why I've been posting what I'm listening to as I think it adds an interesting edge to the blog. I resolve to do more of this in future.

I'm a bad person

2005-09-03T16:42:00.000-07:00

I must be. It can't be everyone else that's so dysfunctional. It must be me. Right, from now on I'm going to attempt to be the nicest person you have ever met.

More Doubts

2005-09-02T11:35:00.000-07:00

I don't even know if I want to be in a relationship right now. It seems that every time I get into something, I end up hurting someone. Maybe I should just stay celibate for the rest of my life. God, I feel so fucking dismal right now. I don't want to keep doing this.

Doubts

2005-09-01T20:47:00.000-07:00

Ok so now I'm in England, I'm suddenly (again, I know) doubting the wisdom of this relationship. I mean we're going to be miles apart which means we'll practically never be able to see each other. I've never really handled a long-distance relationship faithfully before without have *allowances* mutually agreed upon. I keep drifting back and forth between moments when I think I can handle it and moments when I think I can't.

Terror-stricken

2005-08-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

People who actually care about continuity may want to scroll down to the previous post as both were posted in a short space of time so you may not have had the time to read the previous one first.

Ok I woke up this morning absolutely mortified. I can't do relationships. They are so scary. I have plenty of experience in them and they never ever work out well. I thought the answer would be to not rush in. I waited roughly 2 weeks (I think) before letting anything happen then another 2 months before agreeing to go out with Jon. I am so scared of screwing things up. I really really really don't want to mess it up but I'm just terrified.

Those were my feelings when I woke up. Then I spent an hour trying to reason with myself to make me feel better but gave up. So I started to think of reasons why it wouldn't work out. That's when I felt so much better. Jon is intelligent, fit, cute, funny, speaks both English and French fluently, basically everything I look for in a guy. Ok so he's not rich, but he's clever so the odds are he'll end up rich. (I'm not really that shallow. It's just a bad joke.) I feel calm again (apart from the slightly nervous feeling in my stomach that was there when I went to bed anyway).

Not the same (or am I?)

2005-08-28T00:54:00.000-07:00

Ok I think tonight has been eventful in more ways than one. I shall have to explain bit by bit. You see, in my head, many things have been going on as well, and these are things which I thought should be noted here, so at each point I will have to explain what I was thinking at the time (this may take a while). I also need to mention that the first section of this post will be thoughts I had before a certain conversation...and from that it follows that the rest of my thoughts will be from after this conversation took place.

So...I met up with some friends to go "out" (as one does). It was me and some people (from the year below) from the school I went to in Switzerland. I was in a very very pensive mood (and have been all evening). One of the first things I bothered to scribble down was as we'd sat down in the "orange bar". My exgirlfriend considers this place to be "her place" and omg could I possibly use quotation marks even more?

Anyway, some people who were there (whose names I will not mention in case they ever come across this) appear to have some sparkage between them but are reluctant to let anything happen (at least that was the interpretation I managed to get). Basically the dude wants her (as does everyone else who meets her) and she shuns him (as she does everyone else) (or does she?) (this was a tad unclear). Anyway, there was tension. I was thinking about how some people long for a relationship of any kind. I don't. I spend most of my time avoiding relationships. I have enough experience in them to know not to rush in. It's scary and has never ended well for me. (I feel like I'm getting somewhere talking about all this.)

Right, so as I was analyzing this situation, I started to wonder why I was analyzing this situation. I mean, it's not like it was the only one there, but it was the only one with a dude. I guess I only analyze situations with dudes in because a) women are impossible to fathom and men are not and b) i don't consider women's situations to be remotely as interesting.

THEN I had the conversation. Normally I don't mention these kinds of things on here for fear of offending someone who might read it. I don't like to mention names but I do tend to leave subtle hints for the people involved and in most situations only these people know that they're actually a hint acknowledging whatever may have happened. THIS is not one of those cases. I may as well just say it as I don't have anything to hide. I am going out with Jon. There. It's said.

Why do I always feel the same at the start of a new relationship? It's a kind of fresh feeling ususally accompanied by thoughts of me reinventing myself to be the ideal girlfriend. Well I may as well not bother. I don't think ignoring who I am and what I may have done will help me change. I think that only in accepting who I am will I be able to work through whatever issues I may have (re: fidelity) and I fully intend to.

Now we're onto the thoughts I had after this conversation which resulted in me being tied to Jon (hmm that sounds a bit daunting but I guess I'll get through it bit by bit). I was on the tram on the way home (reading a book) and I was struck by how easily I accept other people's opinions as my own. While I was at school, my best friend was what could be described as radical (even though she isn't that much anymore: see http://atoossa27.blogspot.com/ ) and many of her opinions I took for my own. At university, I accepted the opinions of my boyfriend (see http://www.edslife.co.uk/ ) as my own. Every time I read or hear some new idea, I act like a blank piece of paper having ink scribbled over it like some cool magic thingamy from Harry Potter (did I mention I'm a big fan?).

On a lighter note...how are you meant to walk while approaching the bus stop?? If you're worried about missing it, you have to hurry, but when you get there you just suddenly stop. Should you slow down to make it look more natural? The whole thing just feels a bit silly to me. Especially if there's someone walking behind you. It's not like you have indicators to say "I'm stopping here." You have to do some kind of exaggerated swooping motion with your arms to let them know you don't intend to keep walking and that they can "overtake" you.

Now I am reaching the conclusion of this post. It's taken me nearly an hour to complete (while talking on msn some) and I feel cleansed. I've talked about a bunch of issues which I haven't really breached before talking to anyone else. There's something about pouring your heart out to this void that is the internet (I don't know what it is but it's definitely there). I shall leave you with one last thought:

You know that the end of summer has come when the bus drivers (public transport) can be arsed to put the heating on.

It Doesn't Matter

2005-08-26T10:43:00.000-07:00

I suppose it doesn't matter whether or not I have "it". I'll find out sooner or later whether my friends were being honest or whether they were just being good friends. If I don't have it I will be doomed to spend the rest of my life like Alison Krauss, singing other people's songs while they get famous for writing them. I guess that's not so bad. At least there would be people like me who recognise Alison Krauss for her voice.

With regards to my love life, that doesn't matter either. I feel like I did when I was 16 and didn't have a boyfriend for several months together and I was rediscovering myself. Well here I am again, realising that I don't need to be defined by my romantic situation. I wonder if I'll ever remember this lesson or whether I will have to be perpetually relearning it.

I suppose when I look at the only other side left (my academic life and its future) that doesn't matter either. If I fail my degree or any part of it, I can quit and live on the street and overdose on drugs and then nothing will matter anymore.

Music

2005-08-17T10:44:00.000-07:00

How do you know if you have "it"? I mean, there's a bunch of famous people who aren't necessarily skilled musicians or anything. Some of them got there through luck and good advertising, but then there are others who have "it", that little extra thing that makes it so it doesn't matter whether or not you're a skilled musician or not.

I've been thinking about my chances of becoming famous, as it is my dream, my ambition, my driving force. I play over five instruments, none of them amazingly well, but (I think) I can sing quite well. I wonder if my music will be appreciated by people I don't know. How do I know if I have "it"?

Chain blog comment

2005-08-14T22:59:00.000-07:00

comment on this post, and....

1. I'll respond with a random thought I have about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or so we think).
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what intoxicant you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.**** Not really, but it would be nice to continue it on. :)

Fuckin' Insanity

2005-08-14T22:01:00.000-07:00

I must be crazy. I've tried explaining to myself the way I feel but it just doesn't work. See, I started out with the fact that I'm depressed and feeling suicidal. I write songs about it. My sister says I'm emo. That means I'm a rich girl whining about being depressed but I can't possibly be depressed because I'm rich. Thing is, how the fuck are depressed people meant to get help if when they ask for it they get told they're not depressed. At least I think I am. I feel so terrible so much of the time (well half of the time: the other half I'm mentally happy) that I must be. Unless I'm just making myself feel this way to get attention, like Munchausen syndrome. I fit the profile. A small amount of knowledge in the area I "pretend" to be suffering in, in this case psychology. But I know about it. Going back to an earlier post, if I know I'm pretending to be sick, does that mean I'm not really sick? Does that make it go away? Am I really depressed or am I just fuckin' insane?

Maybe...

2005-08-13T10:59:00.000-07:00

Maybe not all families are annoying. Maybe it's just mine. Maybe it's all my mother's fault. Maybe the B---- family would have been super and fine without her. Maybe they would have been capable of exchanging genuine conversation without having to be constantly afraid of offending someone if she hadn't been around. I now know what it's like to be able to talk to someone about anything. If you say something offensive accidentally you can explain it and everything's alright. Maybe if I eventually end up with my own family we will be able to have that, and then maybe my kids won't hate me.

You never know when you've got a good thing.

2005-08-11T22:30:00.000-07:00

It's a well known fact that humans don't appreciate what they've got until they don't have it anymore. People always have to moan about something. It's like when your parents complain about you doing something but they don't notice when you make a special effort not to do it. Well, my sisters just left this morning and now I feel lonely. I've got that feeling like when you leave summer camp or school. I guess I'm lucky to have sisters. To be honest, I wish I'd met them earlier. They might have affected me sooner and I wouldn't be so selfish and tactless. Oh well.

Incompatability

2005-08-07T17:30:00.000-07:00

I have decided that some very apt words to describe family relations are the following: patronising, condescension, contempt, and spite. I think I should never have anything to do with families ever again, which leads me to think that the whole getting married and having kids thing would be a bad idea. Grr.

I love cheese

2005-08-05T15:10:00.000-07:00

Excellent. All the remnants of my terrible depression have vanished into thin air. I feel neutral but it's such a big difference that I feel very uplifted. I've been working on a new happy song which people have been getting on at me to do. It's about my honey (mon seul lecteur (mâle) qui sait lire français). Well sort of about him. An exagerated version of him. On a sadder note (sad in the loser sense of the word), I've been working on this puzzle that involves Gauss-Jordian elimination on a 25x25 matrix. One per sheet of paper. :D Took me 3 hours just to do less than one sixteenth.

Cheese goes with anything and gives it that extra flavour that's irrestible.

Why d'you have to go and make things so complicated?

2005-08-03T14:03:00.000-07:00

Last night I was out in town. I'd had a bit to drink. I had decided to go sleep with my exboyfriend. Then, a girl who was out with us, who used to be a really good friend of mine, told me that I shouldn't and that I should stop letting him treat me like an object. She told me that I was a pretty girl with a wonderful personality and that I deserved better than him. Our other friend who I've known since I was six tried to reason with me about it. I had no idea what he was on about. The conversation went something like this:

"...so he is treating you like an object."

"So I shouldn't sleep with him?"

"No. I'm just saying that...." (memory hole) "....because he needs you."

"So I should sleep with him?"

"No. It's not good for him to think he can depend on you...." (more long speech replaced by a blank) "....and you should be independent from that."

"So I shouldn't sleep with him?"

"No. It's -"

"Um. Ok. Whatever. I'll work it out for myself."

For crying out loud. It's just sex. Seriously, it's not that big a deal.

Down In The Depths Of Hell (Earthly Existence)

2005-07-30T00:57:00.000-07:00

Here I am, in possibly the lowest place I have been yet. I feel like if I try to describe it, it will come out all wrong and then I'll be accused of being a whiney attention seeker. I guess the upside is that I'll have ideas for lyrics, not that anyone will ever want to hear songs that will make them want to slit their wrists.

Who am I? Episode II: The Return of Reason

2005-07-26T11:09:00.000-07:00

In response to the lovely replies I got to the prequel of this post, I would like to say thank you very much. I received lots of compliments, which if you know me quite well, you'll know I like them. I'm not sure that that actually tells me who I am though. I was thinking about it a bit more in depth, especially about certain problems I've been having. So, either I'm a depressive alcoholic paedophile or I'm a hypochondriac (like my mother). As I don't particularly fancy the thought of either, I've decided I must be a hypochondriac, so I can't really be depressive, alcoholic or a paedophile. The fact that I recognise this means that I am no longer a hypochondriac either. Problem solved.

Apart from the fact that I still don't know who I am.

Who am I?

2005-07-17T17:42:00.000-07:00

I have been asking myself this for a while. I read recently that it's some combination of the way you see yourself and the way others see you. So, I would like to know how other people see me. Please respond to this saying how you see me. Please be as blunt and inconsiderate of my feelings as is necessary. I won't be hurt. :D

MP3 away

2005-07-16T17:19:00.000-07:00

I want an mp3 player. I don't know which one to get. I need somewhere in the vicinity of 5GB i believe and I want menus that I can change myself. Anyone with knowledge please advise me.

Bittersweet Melancholy

2005-07-15T23:28:00.000-07:00

That describes exactly how I feel. I went to Tunisia and didn't really make friends so I didn't feel sad when I left. It was a new feeling. I guess it was the first holiday there without a holiday romance. Weird.

Rex has the snail

2005-07-08T10:27:00.000-07:00

I'm back!!!! Albeit only for a day, but that is ample time for me to update on what I've been doing. I went to England for a week, including some time down in Cornwall.

I went to church with my Gran and had warm fuzzy feelings. I don't like how the Christian religion manipulates people and makes them believe things that blatantly didn't happen but I do appreciate the way that it does give them something good in their lives, a sense of direction. Down in the tiny villages in Cornwall, most people are poor and have terrible lives. If when my Mum had moved to Switzerland I had stayed with my Dad there, I would most likely be a raving narcotic, pregnant at the age of 16, seriously. So, they have three churches in a tiny town with a population of about 150 people. You should see the way they gaze at the minister, the cross at the front, and the way they sing their hymns. It's as if just by spending an hour communing with the Lord they have made the world a better place. And maybe they have. Do you think that if everyone could spend an hour a week appreciating life, being grateful for what they do have, instead of regretting what they don't, maybe, just maybe, the world could be a better place? I'm certainly not saying that everyone should be Christian. I think in a lot of cases religion can bring peace and harmony to a person. Then again, everyone having different religions leads to disagreements and war. I can't see any way out of this one.

No matter. I have another solution to society's problems. I was pondering on this while being extremely frustrated with my mother on a 7-hour car journey back from Cornwall. There was some other literature written down at this point but I think I'll publish it under another blog entitled Works of Fiction or something like that. Anyway, this is quite a change from the previous section of this post. Let me just rush upstairs to find what I managed to scribble down. Here it is:

"Might anarchy be a good thing? I'd always thought that I would die if we had anarchy. I've recently come to believe that one of two things would be the case, the first being that me dying would not necessarily constitute a bad thing, the second being that I might actually have gained the necessary knowledge and charm to sweettalk my way out of any potentially dangerous situations.

"If anarchy was to come about, the very very annoying people (i.e. my mother) would be murdered (preferably with a sledgehammer), but that wouldn't really constitute a big loss now, would it? In the (very rare) case that one of these people might be missed, either the mourners can learn to get over it (and thus mature), or exact vengeance, which would either lead to more civilised people or ridding the society of people with extreme violent tendencies and if these people were missed...You can see a definite pattern emerging here to the effect that undesirable people go away and rid us of excess population.

"We wouldn't need to deal with the frustration of filling in forms but then again economic depression would ensue due to the banks not being able to give everybody their money back (because everyone would ask for it back considering the banks would no longer be protected from thieves by law). Well, in the case of some kind of revolution being announced, I would be the first to the bank to get my money out so I'd be alright. Then I would get a job to pay my way to France.

"Most importantly anarchy would allow me to fulfil my deepest desires (such as killing my mother)(among other things because that's not all I care about but it's what brought on this train of thought), and not live within the system anymore. It wouldn't take them long to set up a new system, though. For anarchy to work properly, we'd have to get rid of anyone wanting to organise people. I think they could be categorised as "very very annoying" so they might get killed anyway. I'd be willing to go on a special mission to eliminate them all.

"Anarchy appeals appetisingly."

So that's my refrain (to quote from Buffy). I do realise that some of that actually sounds quite radical. I never thought of myself as being radical before. I guess now that I've escaped having my opinions told to me by my friends at school, I've started to think a bit more about life, and experiencing it (especially in England) leads me to believe that starting over wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing.

Anyway, this afternoon I'm off to Tunisia where I will be unreachable via the internet. To anyone who knows me, I will be using my Swiss number there (cheaper). Update either the 15th or 16th of July.

Jolly Holiday

2005-06-30T14:49:00.000-07:00

Right, I'm off. This is just a note to say "Don't expect anything from me in a while." You might get something next Friday, but if you don't the next post will most likely be the 15th or 16th of July. Miss me!!

Military-Style Fitness Camp

2005-06-29T14:02:00.000-07:00

I want to go somewhere and get buff. Like train for the army or something without actually having to go and shoot people. Wait I know. I want to go to some retreat in Tibet (or another country of that ilk) and have monks teach me endurance and ninja skillz. :D Where do you think I can apply for that kind of training? Personally I think dragging a rare blue flower to the top of a mountain seems kind of tough. Hrmm.

Roller Coaster

2005-06-28T15:47:00.000-07:00

So, I'm always up and down. I had another down last night, but you know I don't think I'd give it up for the world. Firstly it gives me something to brag about :D Secondly, it gives me a lot of inspiration for my songs. Yes, I managed to scribble some more hate thoughts down while I was in a mood. I'm so lucky to have someone there to listen to me. I didn't really before. I seriously hope this works out.

Depression Cure

2005-06-25T15:29:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been feeling very un-depressed. I was intending to write about how things do appear to be working out and how positive everything is at the moment. Then I realised that I never actually got into how depressed I had been (on my blog that is). The lyrics from Darkness Within and The Hole from my lyrics page (natslyrics.blogspot.com) kind of explain it. I'm not usually very good at expressing how I actually feel which is why I put it into song.

Anyway, now I feel a lot better. My future doesn't look half as bleak. I just keep thinking about Canada. Seriously going to get that tattoo.

Canada

2005-06-23T17:59:00.000-07:00

Hello!!

I'm back from Strasbourg (which is in France for those of you who don't know). I've just had a 5 hour train journey with no one to talk to but myself. Consequently I am now very confused and need to write a lot about what has been going on in the past week. So, I'll start from the beginning and work from there.

Friday

That was when I arrived in Strasbourg. I would say I was greeted but that wouldn't be entirely true due to the fact that the person who was supposed to meet me didn't see me (I'm a teensy bit vertically challenged) and I had to go seek him out but we met up and it was all cool.

Saturday

I was really really nervous about this. It was actually one of the main reasons I was anywhere near Strasbourg. See, it was Alex's 16th birthday and he was having his party on the Saturday. A party of 16-17 year olds. I was really worried that I would stick out like a sore thumb, but as usual, I managed to forget that I was a couple of years older than them (well 4 actually but that's beside the point) and have a really spiffing time. There was a water fight and it was just super. Alex, your evening outfit was splendid.

Sunday

-Uncomfortable pause while I try to remember what actually happened on Sunday- Oh yea now I remember. At first we were just recovering from the no sleep we had cos there was a sleepover style thing which I haven't done one of for a few years (the last one would have been at Katy's I think). Then we went and watched cricket and I learnt some of the rules. Woohoo.

Monday

Alex managed to rope me into singing while him and a few friends played for the Fête de la Musique in Strasbourg. That was on Tuesday. Monday was when we got together to figure out what we were going to play and try and get it so it sounded half decent. It was good fun.

Tuesday

This is when we performed. We did most of our rehearsing during Tuesday afternoon and started 2 songs from scratch (out of three). We had a really great time and it made me miss playing in a band a lot. I really want to see if I can get Downflower to make a comeback this summer. I miss playing with Toast. :(

Wednesday

This was excellent. It was Alex's actual birthday and we went to Europa Park. I didn't even know this existed but it's a theme park based on Europe. It was awesome. Ok so it was in Germany but the rides were excellent and it was such a beautifully hot day that the rides were even better. There were a few wet rides as well to cool us off. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.

Thursday

So we had the leaving each other thing. It was sad and happy at the same time. Promises to keep in touch for the future. Ideas of maple leaves. Then a 5 hour train journey. No one to meet me in Geneva. I have left the land of fairy tale carefree fun to return to the real world. Monotony, trams, people pushing and shoving, no powerful love. Wait, there's someone I know! Argh it's Patrick!!! Ok so this guy comes up to me on the tram and I'm thinking "No, anyone but Patrick!" He doesn't know when to stop talking. He talked at me for 20 minutes straight about his life without noticing once that I wasn't saying anything and that actually I wasn't listening. I felt like in one of those films where the romantic heroine returns to her world of monotony and jobs to be talked at by some boring creep and can't stop thinking about her whirlwind adventures with princes and dragons.

Alex will be on his way to see Slipknot now (if he hasn't already arrived). I hope you have a great time and I'll see you next year.

The Single Life

2005-06-15T23:05:00.000-07:00

After blindly pushing my way out of the sweater-over-my-head life of being in coupledom, I open my eyes, look around tentatively, and see that the coast is clear!! I am safe. I am free. I have no worries. I feel amazing. I liked being with my boyfriend but I also like this. I've never been in a relationship that long before (nearly 9 months) so the relief I've been feeling (only since today) is exhilirating. I am not at all a relationship type person really. I get scared any time there's any sign of commitment or deep scary emotions. I like the thrill of the chase and while the comfort of being in a stable relationship is wonderful, it bores me to the extent where I think too much about things and scare myself out of it.

This leads me to my next point. I am worried I won't be able to commit in future. I desperately want to. I want to have marriage and kids eventually but I'm afraid of this huge leap of faith that would be required. I suppose it would only be possible with someone with whom I have absolutely no doubts about how they feel. I would probably need to be constantly reassured about it. I would seem clingy. That's what has happened in the past. The times when I have decided to commit, I've been so scared of being let down that I came off as being clingy and subsequently got dumped.

Typical.

London Underground

2005-06-14T00:27:00.000-07:00

I think I'm finally understanding how it works. I've just spent the last 4 days in London, 3 of which were spent navigating my way around it. I *did* have a guide but towards the end I was starting to get the hang of it by myself. No I wasn't doing the touristy thing. Well maybe a little bit, but not intentionally.

The reason I was in London in the first place is because my mother was graduating. That's right. She's just finished her degree in psychology and now she's ready to traumatise even more people. As I was in England, Ed and I decided it would be a good chance to meet up. He met my flight on Friday morning and we watched a film (Mr. and Mrs. Smith, which is excellent by the way) before going to my grandmother's house. On Saturday was the graduation itself, so we wandered around before being bored for 3 hours and then went for a very grand dinner. Sunday we lazed about and then Monday, Ed and I discovered our results online. I passed the year, but failed one of my modules, which is fine because I was expecting to fail anyway and I can just retake it next year. We then celebrated with a bottle of wine (at 2pm) and spent the rest of the afternoon in a games arcade. It's great that we can retain our friendship even though we're not actually 'going out' anymore.

Menthol Clarity

2005-06-09T11:48:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up feeling like my brain had been removed from my head, twisted and skewed in all kinds of directions, and then put back. It didn't hurt at all. I was just very *very* confused. I felt like everything had changed and that I had to reanalyze every single bit of information I had ever gathered with respect to my new mental clarity. So of course my brain couldn't cope and crashed meaning I had to reboot a couple of times but I got there in the end. I'd like to explain what it is exactly that I have mental clarity about, but I just can't. I think if I try to define it exactly, it makes my brain crash.

And now for something completely different:

I love the world!!!

Er...oops

2005-06-07T16:10:00.000-07:00

Ok so I didn't manage to keep the routine going. This morning I got up 3 hours later than planned and didn't do any exercise or music practise. The driving went surprisingly well though and I've started writing again. I hope I can stay in a good mood for a bit longer this time. Optimism is the key to happiness.

Positive reactions

2005-06-06T14:53:00.000-07:00

I need to make a note of today, to make sure I know in future that it did happen, and that it is capable of happening again. Basically, I managed to get up early enough to do exercise, shower, play lots of music, and go shopping before being on time for my driving lesson at 13h30. My driving lesson was a success. I'm starting to understand things a lot better now, which leads to smoother driving. I know I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there. So in general, I've had an optimistically useful day, where I haven't just sat around doing nothing. My mantra for the next few weeks must be:

Lose weight, stay cool, practise music, and drive.

If only I could make it rhyme or make a song out of it. Hmm there's an idea.

Song Factory

2005-06-04T18:11:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to the graduation dinner of my school. I had a really good time. I went for free because I helped the sound and light people set up the disco stuff. Normally you'd have to pay something like 100 CHF, so I'm quite pleased with that. I thought that it was much better than last year's. Last year was my graduation so you'd think I'd have enjoyed it more, having something to celebrate, but I was in one of my depressive moods, hating everyone around me for being so happy. Last night was a completely different matter. I didn't feel self-conscious at all. I had quite a few friends in the grade below me so I wasn't lacking for company. By the time we finished taking down all the equipment though and had gone home, it was 4am when I went to bed!

On a different note, I have been writing more songs. I feel my voice has recovered since I've come back to Switzerland and I no longer have my flatmates turning up their music to the maximum volume every time I try and be creative, so I feel a lot more confident. I've finished the new song (which doesn't have a title yet). It's a bit about death, and fear of loss, and depression (very merry, isn't it?) so any ideas are welcome. Anway, just as soon as I had finished that one, I immediately started having ideas for the next one. I think this summer may be IT. If I manage to record some songs and have them on cd to take with me back to the UK, I think I might be able to do something useful with my music career.

Scary

2005-05-30T16:43:00.000-07:00

I am now driving. Avoid driving in Geneva if you can, especially the South side for that is my area. I sometimes go as fast as 5o mph!!

On another note, I have no job opportunities yet. Maybe I can do babysitting or something. *sigh*

Back in Switzerland

2005-05-26T18:07:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone.

I arrived back in Switzerland last night. On the flight over, whilst reading a romantic novel, sipping terrible white wine and missing my boyfriend, these were the thoughts I had the urge to scribble down.

"Our brains are like computers. Everyday we absorb information and either put it in long term or short term memory. When we sleep, it sleeps, allowing the screensaver of dreams to take over so we still function the next day. Apon awakening, we reboot and the short term memory is filed again, some things going into the long term memory.

This is when we remember recent catastrophic events. There's nothing quite like the feeling you get when you wake up from your peaceful sleep only to be hit again with the news that your best friend has died, or that you and your lover will never sleep together again. If we didn't initially grasp the serisousness of the situation, we do now. If going to sleep is like a well-deserved rest, making the aches and pains go away, then waking up brings it all back and more.

Insomniacs may not feel the high of letting oneself be overtaken by feelings of peace and harmony, but at least they don't have to feel the pain and torment as our body's compters reboot. I envy them that. Also the fact that they get twice as much time to do things with their lives."

Now there is a chance that this is just a load of drivel. Infact, that is a very high chance. Anyway, I don't usually feel an urge to write things down like that, so maybe I should pay closer attention to it. I might use some of it for a song or something.

Love to all

For Laura

2005-05-12T16:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Laura,

I don't really know how to start this. Even though we didn't spend all that much time together, I still remember you as a friend, because you were always nice to me. I have many memories of you that I will hold close, like the time you made dinner with tomatoes in, not knowing I was allergic, and the other times we had dinner and ganged up on Dom with your mum.

I do know that you were a really friendly and smiling person all the time. Dom's friend at uni asked me what you were like and after I'd thought about it, I couldn't remember a time when you had hurt someone intentionally or done anything wrong. It seems so unfair that you of all people should have to leave the world behind, but maybe in some way it is fair, because I can't believe that you would go anywhere that isn't a better place. Maybe it is better not to think of this as an unpleasant ending, but more as an early promotion to a better plane of existence.

So this is my goodbye and farewell to you. I'm sure you are in a good place. My feelings go out to everyone who posted on the website and especially to Dom and his parents. They have my full support in this time. You clearly touched a lot of people's lives.

Love from Natalie

That was the post I put on her memorial website, dontforget.skyblog.com. She will also have the lyrics from the middle of 'Destiny' dedicated to her as well as to my cousin, Samantha, who died when she was 12 of meningitis under very similar circumstances.

'She's gone into the darkness.
She has been released.
She'll never have the chance to live
Out her dreams.

'We're still in the light though.
That's what it's all about.
We've got the chance to live out lives.
Can't you see that?'

R.I.P. Laura

Rants (again)

2005-05-02T00:03:00.000-07:00

Well it seems like that's all that happens to me!!! I'm sick of people using me to complain to!! Oh Nat she's so nice she always listens to me. She's so encouraging to talk about my problems. Oo I love her for being so understanding. Well no more!! It's made me so furious I'm even doing bad grammar. That means it's well fecking serious. But still not serious enough to make me swear properly on a public website. Hmm. Well anyway I have people ranting at me from all directions and I can stand it no longer!

Ed does his normal rant thing which is really really really really annoying and unsexy and offputting. He has to complain about everything. And it's really embarassing cos he does it really loudly in public. And he's so rude and tactless and unpolitically correct. And then there's my ex Dom. He would always turn to me when he's feeling down. All he has to say is something along the lines of I'm so fat I want to die. I think I'm going to kill myself. I'm not sexy. I'm horrible. Everyone hates me. But he's so jolly to everyone else. And they love him and I'm the one who has to deal with his rants. I have to compliment him to make him feel better and I'm sick of it!

Next: All of the guys I talk to on msn. I don't think I'll ever go on there again! All they do is moan at me. I'm so ugly. I'm boring. I don't have a girlfriend. Waiting for me to reassure them every single time! The worst must be Richard though. He's all like yea I'm the man. I'm so wonderful. Everyone loves me. And then he's all condescending towards me and his logic is FLAWED and he can't even see it and he makes me feel so frustrated and we have these arguments which never make sense because he's one of those people who thinks that their arguments are the full truth and that just because they sound like something a movie old wise man would say, it must be true when actually when you properly analyze it it's a load of crap and doesn't make sense! Crazy analogies that are not appropriate and don't fit the situtation properly!!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!!

Ok I feel slightly better after ranting about them. Sniff.

Rants

2005-04-23T17:32:00.000-07:00

Ed and the exec are now officially at war. I feel like piggy in the middle. I'm just so frustrated and embarassed by the whole thing, I don't know where to start my rant. I think everyone is being totally unreasonable about the whole thing and has blown it all out of proportion. Politics suck.

Btw going to make new blog of song lyrics.

Chocolate!!

2005-04-14T16:16:00.000-07:00

Actually this post has nothing to do with chocolate. Recently I went shopping and actually spent some money for a change. I've been trying to do this whole stingy thing to save money and I think it's been working. After I update this I'm checking my bank account online to see just how much money I have. :S

Anyway, shopping: I bought books, trousers, shoes, and normal groceries all for around £80. So not tooooo bad, considering I'd earned £40 the previous weekend to cover some of that. Um...oh yes and I also saw a phone I want to get. I want the Nokia 6260. It has a camera and does this cool swivelly thing. And my old phone is dying.

Apart from that not much else is new. My new jeans are awesome.

Minesweeper

2005-04-03T17:15:00.000-07:00

I've just had one of the most awesome weeks of my life. I went with Ed down to his hometown. We spent the whole week lazing about and chilling with his friends. It was very stressfree and very good for my health. Even though I think I may have conjuctivitis. It may just be something under my eyelid. I'll get it checked out tomorrow if it still hurts. Not much else is new here. I've been on a minesweeper rampage, playing with all my friends on msn.

Nat makes friends

2005-03-26T22:33:00.000-08:00

St. Patrick's Day was Steven's birthday. He took me back to Reading to meet his friends. They all really liked me and asked me to come back. This Wednesday I went back and stayed until Thursday night. I had such a great time and I really like all of them. I have fuzzy feelings and warmth thinking of them. Yay.

Summer of 2005

2005-03-16T18:22:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to sort out what I'm doing this summer. I need to earn money so that I can make a substantial contribution towards my rent next year. I have several possibilities for jobs.

The first is working in Switzerland, at CERN, a nuclear research site where my stepdad works. It will be for 4 weeks and gets paid 1700 CHF which is roughly 700 pounds. Pros: I get to go home, see my parents, my sisters, my friends. Cons: Doesn't get paid much.

The second is working all summer as a receptionist where I currently work in Headington. They would expect me to work for two works teaching Chinese girls English. Pros: I get paid the same as the CERN job in half as much time for those two weeks. Cons: I don't get paid much at all the rest of the time. I would have to dedicate all my free time to the Chinese girls.

The third is going to Holland with my father to search for emplyment there. There are no concrete details for this but Dad says that in Holland a lot of people need people to work for them and that it's up to five times as well paid as in England. Pros: A lot of money. Um... I'm sure there was something else. Cons: No guaranteed work.

The fourth and last is working as a receptionist for Clive Booth Hall (University Accomodation). It will be for the entire summer (mid June to end September). It's paid £6.21 per hour and needs me to do 37 hours a week shift work. Pros: Well paid. Work for the entire summer. My parents said they'd come out and visit me with my sisters. Cons: Um...I'd have to find somewhere to live in the last week August (possibly).

Well I hope I haven't made it too obvious which one I'd rather do. What do you, my fictitious readers, think? And if there is anyone who reads this, tell me what you think.

Hugs,
Nat

Abandoned

2005-03-10T21:29:00.000-08:00

I hate it when I write a really long piece and then I enter it and it doesn't work and everything I wrote is lost. Well that just happened to me and now I have to start all over again. One thing I will do, though, is to copy it before I continue so if it fails again all is not lost.

Ok, so, I was writing about being abandoned. Our friend James just left uni, which I think I included in one of my previous posts. He has left us feeling incompetent friends and he didn't even say goodbye. So, I'am a bit annoyed about that. Also, now it seems I'm losing another friend called Sally.

We had made plans last night but 5 minutes after we were supposed to meet I get a message from her telling me she is somewhere else and asking me if I am going. So, I contact Ed and we agree to go. I text her back saying we will be there. We head over there, queue for 20 minutes, and pay £5 to get in to find there is no one there we know (apart from my flatmates, coincidentally enough, but that's beside the point because we weren't trying to meet them). I call Sally with no response.

So, I call my friend Ashley who I know was planning on meeting up with her, to find that they didn't go to Clementine's (not the original plan, the second one) but they're actually at Bar Baby. We head over to Bar Baby, which is a 20 minute walk, say hi, and get a couple of drinks. After my first sip, Sally and Ashley announce they're going to The Zodiac. They ask us to come along but we politely decline.

I felt incredibly upset after chasing her down all evening like some psycho stalker. I don't want to seem unreasonably jealous. I introduced her to Ashley (male friend from Maths) two weeks ago. I'm glad that they are getting on well together and I think that they could be a positive influence on each other. However, she has been texting him all day and I haven't heard a thing. I don't want to lose her friendship.

So now I'm asking you, my ficitious reader, do I seem unreasonable? Am I just imagining things? Do you think she is trying to ditch me? Should I just leave her alone? Am I still hurting from all those years as a child being left out and transferring onto people who do actually care about me? *sigh*

I'll end this rant with the lyrics of the outro to a song I've finally finished. I've been working on it since summer 2004:

I thought that you were being genuine
I thought that you were being sincere when
We spent all that time laughin' and dancin'
Now I know that you were just pretendin'

Why didn't I see that you were only
Putting it on to try and seduce me
I know you didn't want to be lonely
You got what you wanted now just leave me

You're not intelligent and you're not smart
I don't know how you got into my heart
Playing those games like they're some form of art
One thing I know it's time for us to part

I'm glad that you left me all on my own
Now I don't have to hear you whine and moan
Abandoned I appreciate freedom
I hope you're happy now you're all alone.

Wales

2005-03-08T13:21:00.000-08:00

Yeloha,

I'm back from my weekend in Wales visiting my Dad. It was cool. I got made fun of for being an invalid (broken toe) and watched The Grudge. My Dad and my cousin were both really freaked out (as was I) and we had to go next door (where the electricity was out) to put the dog in and lock the door. It was very very scary but very funny when we got back into the other house in the light.

On another note, it was my boyfriend's 19th birthday yesterday. We didn't have a massive party cos our friends happen to have disappeared but we still had a great time.

Yarr

2005-02-28T05:10:00.000-08:00

Yeloha! Guess what I've managed to do to myself! Nope I didn't chuck myself into a bottomless pit (or even one with a bottom for that matter). And no I didn't cover myself with venemous snakes. I did something terribly boring but still funny. I broke my baby toe on my right foot. Teeheehee. Ok well it wasn't funny at the time. It was bloody painful when I did it. It still hurts but not so much. It made me see how crap the health system is here in England and I know I will definitely not being staying in this country once I finish my degree.

Argh. On another note, actually there isn't anything to say on another note. See there isn't anything happening to me cos I'm imprisoned in my room because of my injury. Fascinating stuff.

Hugs,
Nat

Re: Photos

2005-02-24T16:35:00.000-08:00

Hey actually it turns out that I didn't resolve the whole problem with the photos. I guess it's a new feature at yafro.com that non-members can't see members' pics. I don't know what to do. I'll have to think of something. Argh I hate this. Also I just realised that I haven't been changing the time when I write so everyone thinks I'm in America. As of now I'm changing the time. Btw this post is only about 20 mins after my previous post.

Root Beer

2005-02-24T08:08:00.000-08:00

Today I found root beer. Love it.

Photos

2005-02-23T05:43:00.000-08:00

Ok well since the whole Hello thing seems to be a pile of poo, I have photos on yafro.com. The link is "My Web Page" in my profile, so if there's anyone out there who actually reads my blog and cares what I look like, then you can go there.

I'm also considering starting a new blog just with my song lyrics in it. Or maybe I'll just publish them in this one. What do you think? Yes I know I'm only talking to one person but it's nice to pretend that I have a whole bunch of people who read this. If only I was popular on the internet. How do you do it, I wonder?

Hugs,
Nat

Pub Quiz

2005-02-18T03:11:00.000-08:00

It was Thursday, but now I think we're well into Friday. Thursday was an interesting day. I had a lecture on another campus and dragged some people with me to this puc quiz thingy. It was fun. We sucked. My friends got drunk. One of them regularly commutes from Reading (which is quite a journey) and we have a lecture on Thursday afternoon and first thing on Friday morning so I decided to be nice and let him sleep on my floor on Thursday nights to save him a whole lot of hassle.

That's great except now he's sleeping on my bed and snoring really really really loudly. So I'm trying to think of ways to pass the night until the lecture tomorrow morning, which there is no way I'll be able to stay awake through. I find it hard enough when I'm not completely shattered. You try listening to 2 straight hours of Statistics from a monotone teacher who just reads the lecture notes we were handed at the beginning of the semester. What a waste of time.

Well I have to say it certainly is nice to have so many regular readers. I especially like reading all the feedback lol. Especially when I've asked for help about something specific which I know would take a lot of people 2 seconds to do. Is that much effort to just give a poor not-quite-blonde some help? And the reward?? Pics of me of course. Now how can that possibly be a bad thing?

Hugs

Um

2005-02-16T17:30:00.000-08:00

This whole job thing's turning out to be a tad more complicated than I first thought. Several of the positions that were advertised were already taken. Add on to that the fact that I have to find something that fits around my lectures gets rid of another few positions. What I have left is Sainsbury's or a barmaid position in the middle of nowhere.

In another aspect of my life, my boyfriend's being weird. I'm not quite sure how to explain it but I'm getting that whole vibe you get just before you're about to get dumped. Not fun.

Hugs.

Job

2005-02-15T14:34:00.000-08:00

Ok well I don't have a job, but I'm planning on getting one. And I mean it this time. I actually went to the Job shop and I wrote down all the details of a bunch of available positions. I just hope I get something cos I need to pay for the rent on the house we're getting next year. Fascinating stuff.

Monday

2005-02-14T17:13:00.000-08:00

Usually I hate Mondays. They make me just want to turn over and go back to bed. This Monday was different. I came back from lectures and actually *gasp* tidied! I feel optimistic about stuff and maybe - just maybe - I will do my Spanish homework due last week.

Hugs.

PS Ok I'm trying to make this whole Hello thing work so I can put pictures of me on here but maybe I'm stupid cos it's not doing what I want it to. Someone please help me!!

PPS I'm not blonde. I am actually computer literate, I swear.

Woot

2005-02-13T17:37:00.000-08:00

Weehee I have a blog!! And I'm not just copying Dan Shive, honest. :D Sigh. I could be really boring and tell you (the uninterested public of the internet) all about every single thing that happens to me in one day. Or... well actually I don't think I have an alternative short of making things up.

Today I did my laundry. I live in university accomodation where the laundry place is in a different building. It sucks having to put on my coat and shoes just to do my laundry. Fortunately next year it'll be different. Two male friends of mine and myself will be moving into a rented house together which should be jolly good fun.

Well peace out.